The “Problem”
Last month I talked about the Thought River and how to deal with that by creating some distance between our awareness and the thoughts, realising that most thoughts don’t need to be dealt with at all, simply let them go downstream.
I promised help this month with very thorny, persistent thoughts. This is the first part of that, but there will be more next month also.
Have you ever noticed that when a challenge crops up in our lives, having an anxious response to it turns it into a “Problem” – and this anxiety makes it many times worse than the original cause?
A simple example from my own life. I used to hate exams. What if I don’t know the answers? What if I forget the answers? What will happen if I fail the exam? What will people think of me? What will this mean going forward? My planned career is over, before it begins. Then what?? And so on.
Then one day I looked at that stuff and I thought: This is ridiculous! What a waste of energy. There has to be a better way. This stress is actually being caused by myself, no one else. And this anxiety is getting in the way of studying for the exam.
So, I made a simple decision. I decided in advance that I was going to enjoy the next exam. I don’t know if I 100% believed it, but I thought: It has to be worth a go. Fake it until I make it.
The outcome was that I was much calmer during the study, I was confident that I covered most of the material, and if I couldn’t remember some of it, no drama’s. And it worked beautifully. I found that I really enjoyed sharing my knowledge during the exam. So, I used the same approach for every exam after that. Problem solved.
My key point is that the original problem was one I made up in my head. The problem wasn’t the exam, it was the thoughts and catastrophising that made the modest challenge into a raging huge anxious problem. Anxiety can then trigger the trauma response - fight, flight, freeze, fawn and so on.
If you doubt the power of this stuff to affect our usual bodily function, just look at how even highly-paid, exceptional soccer players, turn to jello during World Cup penalty shoot-outs!
Now I know there’s a lot more serious challenges that come up in life. Health challenges. Things that other people do to us, or say about us. Loss of loved ones. Loss of a job. Loneliness. To name a few.
Challenges can be emotional. We are human, we are allowed to be emotional. Most importantly, we should allow ourselves to be emotional in the moment. Bottling it up, or putting on a brave face, will come back to bite you later. That stuff will get stored in our body and become, you guessed it – another Problem.
So, be emotional in the moment. Also, try transforming the emotion into something positive – for example for grief, remember the loved one who passed with fondness and gratitude. But don’t get hooked in the initial emotion - let it come, then let it go. Don’t turn the challenge into a much, much bigger problem for ourselves by adding layers of thoughts. The anxiety response can blight our life, if we let it.
Eckhart Tolle suggests that we deal with challenges with three points:
1. Do I even need to deal with this challenge?
2. If I do need to deal with it, is there anything I can do to improve the situation? If Yes, then do that.
3. If No, then live with it – the challenge has been put there, get on with life in the new normal.
There are a lot of challenges that come along that we never need to deal with, or at least not get involved with. Maybe we know people facing challenges of their own. Maybe we see this a lot. But mostly, none of that stuff needs to become our problem. We can be compassionate about these things, offer genuine comfort to those affected if necessary, in the moment. But we don’t need to fight battles that are not ours to fight. We are not responsible for all the ills in the world. The Dalai Lama is well known for openly weeping with someone who has borne extreme hardship, then a few minutes later he can be laughing with another person experiencing joy. He doesn’t get stuck with emotions, he feels them genuinely in the moment, then he moves on.
The second point - If I do need to deal with a challenge and I can, then I have a good night’s sleep. If that’s still true in the morning, I just do it.
The third point - If the challenge has no solution, then it just is what it is. It is absolutely futile to waste energy arguing with what is - resenting, blaming, reacting, creating more problems for us.
Nelson Mandela was in prison for 27 years. There was nothing he could do about that. He was able to get better clothes for the inmates, that was something he could do. And he could make friends with his jailers, to be compassionate towards those charged with keeping him confined. So at least the situation was tolerable. The things he learnt during that time almost certainly helped form him into the wonderful leader he became later.
So, get on with the is-ness of life. Come back to the present moment. Focus on what is in front of us now. Don’t be resentful about the past, or worried about what is not even here yet. Breathe, get grounded, use your favourite mindfulness practice.
Stop turning challenges into problems. Cut those problems off before they become one. Who knows, they may be an opportunity in disguise!
Peace!
Another Challenge - for me!
Most of you are familiar with the reminder text that comes out the day before your appointment. And most of you notice the DO NOT REPLY bit. Not everyone does. If you choose to reply to that text, I never see the replies. Someone did that last week saying that she was sick and couldn’t make her appointment. But then I was sitting there waiting for her. Please text my number 027 244 5886 if you need to. Thank you :)
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With caring and kindness,
Rhys Dwyer
If you know anyone, from kids up who maybe struggling with body-held tension, energy levels, stress, anxiety, or choices, then please ask them to check me out. Bodywork and present moment awareness may just make a big difference.
Note that bodywork is always complementary to prudent medical care.